While away I did journal the whole time and some of the stuff I will be posting to let you know about my time there. It will have the date I wrote it. I also hope to get a good picture of my art work to give you an idea that I have changed in someways but having trouble in others.
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
Back from healing...
As many of you know I struggle. I struggle to my self healthy and forget the importance of my body. Well in February I made a decision to get help. This is when I went inpatient for my anorexia. I spent 46 day in the hospital. Now I am home to continue the path to recovery. The is a lot inside of me that says I am not ready for this. I am not ready to face the world head. It is to early for all of these challenges. This can not be happening. They offered me a chance to stay an extra week till I can start the program here at home but all I could think about was I miss NEBRASKA. I never thought I would say that but I was saying it. I told the team that as long as we had a good plan in place I would be just fine. I am strong is what I tried to tell myself but i knew it was not true. I have been acting on eating disorder behaviors since I left. That is just not a good sign. The reason I do not have because I do not know I am doing it at times then at other times I am doing things that I know I am doing and should stop. I keep telling people that I am lay low right now. The truth is I am hiding. I am hiding from the world. I do not want people to see the new me and not like me. Nor do I want people to say something about the weight I have gained. People have already done that. It is very hard to hear some one say some thing like you look healthy. My mind goes crazy. Just as I am having trouble with people giving my complements it is like someone sticking knife in my side.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
Ashely, you are so brave for opening up about your treatment. Thank you so much for sharing. You are a beautiful person and you have so much light and joy to offer the world. I know it's hard coming home, but you are strong. You can do this.
ReplyDeleteSlip ups and set backs are normal, but it's what we choose to do afterwards that is important. We can choose to give in to the behaviors and let them control us and ruin what we've worked for, or we can fight through it, learn from it, and make ourselves stronger. I know you can do this. This week is just a bump in the road, but you can get through it. Use your support systems. It's what we're here for. You know you can call me anytime.
I love you!
PS: I'm so sorry if I made you feel uncomfortable by saying how good you looked. I have always thought you were beautiful, but now there is a real glow coming from inside you that is shining out. You are gorgeous inside and out. Be proud of what you've accomplished.
Sara you are amazing and I appreciate having you in my life!! Thank you for all of your support!
ReplyDelete