Back from healing...

As many of you know I struggle.  I struggle to my self healthy and forget the importance of my body.  Well in February I made a decision to get help.  This is when I went inpatient for my anorexia.  I spent 46 day in the hospital.  Now I am home to continue the path to recovery.  The is a lot inside of me that says I am not ready for this.  I am not ready to face the world head.  It is to early for all of these challenges.  This can not be happening.  They offered me a chance to stay an extra week till I can start the program here at home but all I could think about was I miss NEBRASKA.  I never thought I would say that but I was saying it.  I told the team that as long as we had a good plan in place I would be just fine.  I am strong is what I tried to tell myself but i knew it was not true.  I have been acting on eating disorder behaviors since I left.  That is just not a good sign.  The reason I do not have because I do not know I am doing it at times then at other times I am doing things that I know I am doing and should stop.  I keep telling people that I am lay low right now.  The truth is I am hiding.  I am hiding from the world.  I do not want people to see the new me and not like me.  Nor do I want people to say something about the weight I have gained.  People have already done that.  It is very hard to hear some one say some thing like you look healthy.  My mind goes crazy.  Just as I am having trouble with people giving my complements it is like someone sticking knife in my side. 

While away I did journal the whole time and some of the stuff I will be posting to let you know about my time there.  It will have the date I wrote it.  I also hope to get a good picture of my art work to give you an idea that I have changed in someways but having trouble in others.