I am trying to come to terms with the fact that I have lost the losing battle. The battle to my eating disorder. How do I show people that I am not a fighter anymore? Why do keep fooling myself into thinking I am going to get over something that has been part of my life for so many years? I now need to find away to not DIE to this. I just can not keep bringing the people around me down all the time. I am sick of hurting people because of this. I keep fighting inside with the thought that I want my mind to change so much but the Idea of my body getting larger and FAT is not one of the things I want to fess up to.
I think if I just go back to my classes and working I will keep living. Keeping busy is going to keep me alive. Many people say that my eating disorder is going to keep me form these things but I know I can stuff down my Eating disorder feeling and keep this from that people who can hurt me. I just have to protect ME!!!
My insides are spinning and twisting they do not stop moving. I think that by keeping busy I can surpress those feelings that overwhelm me. I know that I am strong enough to keep alive!!
Even though my eating disorder behaviors will still be alive I will just have to keep from being "too" underweight!!
I do know how with WIN so I am throwing in the towel!!!
Hey girl,
ReplyDeleteI'm so sad to hear this. I have felt like this many times. It's like "if I'm going to struggle forever, why keep on trying?" Because the moment you decide that is when you give up. The moment you say that you will recover, is the moment life happens. I know for me, it won't be something I struggle with forever because I won't let it. I'm constantly telling myself different, and it's actually working! I think about what I tell myself--if what you say is negative, you will believe it. Repitition matters to your brain. But if you tell yourself you can do it, chances are you are going to take bigger steps towards recovery. The fact of matter Ashley is you don't truly want to have this in your life forever. You may think it makes you feel good, but that's a total lie. What feels good is the distraction from the other pain going on. But once you deal with that, you don't have to fight that pain anymore with distraction. You can live life to the fullest. I know its hard to see where you are right now but it IS possible. I'm not at all trying to sound consending by this either--I want to give you hope. I'm praying for you. Keep trusting yourself, not ED, but yourself. I believe you can do it!