The Climb over the Wall

Lately I have been struggling with where I am at in my recovery. I feel as if I have hit a wall. This wall is keeping me from moving forward to places I need to be. I am not sure if I the only one who understands what it feels like to hit this wall. The place that you want to run backwards because you are having problems running forward. I have been realizing that treatment gets harder the more you work at it. I have a problem trying for things that are hard and wanting them to be easy. The more you fight with the eating disorder it fights back. Some people think that going into treatment is going to be a piece of cake and one is going to speed down the road without any bumps, that is where many people have a problems. I knew it was not going to be easy but I made the mistake of thinking it would not take as long as it is. I am going be battling this for a while. I have been tempted many time to quit at my low points just because I am not seeing any progress. I have to keep going with the flow and not give up. By going with the flow at the low times I am not giving up I am just reinserting myself into the process of recovery and starting the fire under my butt for motivation. That is what you have to remember through out treatment is what motivates you to change!! I must look at them all the time so I keep going and don't go AMA!! Please understand that you still struggle in treatment. Have problems seeing the light at the end of the tunnel and that you must keep an eye on that light you at looking at so it and you do not die!! I do not want to die!! At this time I am fighting my thoughts to stay but then I have awesome people who remind me who have seem how far down the recovery road I have came and the I do not want to turn around!! I am not only writing this to ask if anyone agrees or has felt this but by writing this it reminds me to go with the flow for now until I am able to break down that wall I want to get through and is holding me back.


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When I went to Sheppard Pratt I knew that treatment would not be easy.  I just did not know how hard it would be.  Just in inpatient alone I wanted to give up because I could not see any growth.  When I was there I looked at signing a 72hr (AMA) form a couple different times.  If I was not so far away from home at that time I would have signed them.  But I have to point out that when I got there I was full of motivation that motivation that I did not want to lose. I was challenged to make a list of things that motivate me to change, this is the list. 

My Motivation to Recover/Get healthy-

1. Go to school (UNL) and graduate with my undergrad.

         *if I do not recover and just live with this my ED. I will not be able to remember things I learn and need to remember.

2. Have a healthy relationship with it leading up to a marriage.

         *At times my Ed can get in the way of relationships because of my rules about going out.  Actually most all of my rules get in the way of ALL relationships.

           *I get "feisty" when talking about my ED with others, so I hold in Secrets.

3.I want to be able to help out and hang out without food or my eating disorder habits interfering.

4. Have kids--

          *This requires that my body be healthy enough to hold another human. Also need to be able to feed it for to.

5. I WANT TO LIVE LONG!!

       *everyday that I do not eat or everyday I exercise hours on end, I am taking years off my life.  I may claim that I am unstoppable/invincible, but the truth is is am not. I CAN'T KEEP DOING THIS!!

Now that I have this list I look at it when I am in a ditch and can not seem to climb my way out. Not many understand the impact a list like this has but it does.  I am not sure if I would need to look at this for the rest of my life but it is here in case I need it. My life is going to change but for now I am going to go with the flow of things until I can break through this wall.

The Loss to my Eating Disorder

I am trying to come to terms with the fact that I have lost the losing battle.  The battle to my eating disorder. How do I show people that I am not a fighter anymore?  Why do keep fooling myself into thinking I am going to get over something that has been part of my life for so many years?  I now need to find away to not DIE to this.  I just can not keep bringing the people around me down all the time.  I am sick of hurting people because of this.  I keep fighting inside with the thought that I want my mind to change so much but the Idea of my body getting larger and FAT is not one of the things I want to fess up to.  
I think if I just go back to my classes and working I will keep living.  Keeping busy is going to keep me alive.  Many people say that my eating disorder is going to keep me form these things but I know I can stuff down my Eating disorder feeling and keep this from that people who can hurt me.  I just have to protect ME!!! 
My insides are spinning and twisting they do not stop moving.  I think that by keeping busy I can surpress those feelings that overwhelm me.  I know that I am strong enough to keep alive!!  
Even though my eating disorder behaviors will still be alive I will just have to keep from being "too" underweight!!
I do know how with WIN so I am throwing in the towel!!! 

The road

The Road to Recovery

When realizing I need to go down the road

I don’t see what is ahead,

I start to drive down the road blind

Not knowing what is next to come,

Blind to the fact that I would have to give up control,

The control I long to hold on

to day-by-day,

Blind to the challenges and hardships

that I would be faced with,

The things placed in front of me that I think and feel I can’t overcome.

I do not realize the people I am going to meet a long the road,

People who are both going to hold me back

but most of them help me out in ways they don’t understand.

Everyday is so very different from the day before

because that day could be wonderful the next day horrible,

I am standing at a stand still on that road not sure how to move,

Not sure what to do, of  if what I am doing is the right thing,

Not sure if I deserve what I have been given,

Not sure is I will ever find recovery I thought I was set out to find,

Not sure if I am on the right road,

Then I realize that reason to recover and how my life needs to change

The reasons that got me started on this road,

So I just keep looking around,

Reminding myself of the reasons I set out on this road,

The reasons to not make a sharp U turn

To the destructive road that I want to leave behind me.