When I mess-up

When I do something wrong I am not really sure who I turn to.  I am scared to tell my friends that I am having some problems with this and that.  For so many reasons.  One I am scared of the looks and the disappointment I will cause them.  Second I do not know if we will argue.  I have such a problem with getting defensive with the ones I care about that I do not give them a chance.  I am working on this.  Third I will let them down.  I have already let the ones close to me down so many times they do not need it again.    I feel even if I have just the smallest thing I need to talk about these things will happen.  I also feel they will start the close eye watching again.  I just started to get away from that.

So you may ask why don't I tell my treatment team.  They are here to help and treat me right???  I just don't know... You I was going to try to open up here where most of you do not know me but I can not do it!! Sorry!!

The Climb over the Wall

Lately I have been struggling with where I am at in my recovery. I feel as if I have hit a wall. This wall is keeping me from moving forward to places I need to be. I am not sure if I the only one who understands what it feels like to hit this wall. The place that you want to run backwards because you are having problems running forward. I have been realizing that treatment gets harder the more you work at it. I have a problem trying for things that are hard and wanting them to be easy. The more you fight with the eating disorder it fights back. Some people think that going into treatment is going to be a piece of cake and one is going to speed down the road without any bumps, that is where many people have a problems. I knew it was not going to be easy but I made the mistake of thinking it would not take as long as it is. I am going be battling this for a while. I have been tempted many time to quit at my low points just because I am not seeing any progress. I have to keep going with the flow and not give up. By going with the flow at the low times I am not giving up I am just reinserting myself into the process of recovery and starting the fire under my butt for motivation. That is what you have to remember through out treatment is what motivates you to change!! I must look at them all the time so I keep going and don't go AMA!! Please understand that you still struggle in treatment. Have problems seeing the light at the end of the tunnel and that you must keep an eye on that light you at looking at so it and you do not die!! I do not want to die!! At this time I am fighting my thoughts to stay but then I have awesome people who remind me who have seem how far down the recovery road I have came and the I do not want to turn around!! I am not only writing this to ask if anyone agrees or has felt this but by writing this it reminds me to go with the flow for now until I am able to break down that wall I want to get through and is holding me back.


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When I went to Sheppard Pratt I knew that treatment would not be easy.  I just did not know how hard it would be.  Just in inpatient alone I wanted to give up because I could not see any growth.  When I was there I looked at signing a 72hr (AMA) form a couple different times.  If I was not so far away from home at that time I would have signed them.  But I have to point out that when I got there I was full of motivation that motivation that I did not want to lose. I was challenged to make a list of things that motivate me to change, this is the list. 

My Motivation to Recover/Get healthy-

1. Go to school (UNL) and graduate with my undergrad.

         *if I do not recover and just live with this my ED. I will not be able to remember things I learn and need to remember.

2. Have a healthy relationship with it leading up to a marriage.

         *At times my Ed can get in the way of relationships because of my rules about going out.  Actually most all of my rules get in the way of ALL relationships.

           *I get "feisty" when talking about my ED with others, so I hold in Secrets.

3.I want to be able to help out and hang out without food or my eating disorder habits interfering.

4. Have kids--

          *This requires that my body be healthy enough to hold another human. Also need to be able to feed it for to.

5. I WANT TO LIVE LONG!!

       *everyday that I do not eat or everyday I exercise hours on end, I am taking years off my life.  I may claim that I am unstoppable/invincible, but the truth is is am not. I CAN'T KEEP DOING THIS!!

Now that I have this list I look at it when I am in a ditch and can not seem to climb my way out. Not many understand the impact a list like this has but it does.  I am not sure if I would need to look at this for the rest of my life but it is here in case I need it. My life is going to change but for now I am going to go with the flow of things until I can break through this wall.

The Loss to my Eating Disorder

I am trying to come to terms with the fact that I have lost the losing battle.  The battle to my eating disorder. How do I show people that I am not a fighter anymore?  Why do keep fooling myself into thinking I am going to get over something that has been part of my life for so many years?  I now need to find away to not DIE to this.  I just can not keep bringing the people around me down all the time.  I am sick of hurting people because of this.  I keep fighting inside with the thought that I want my mind to change so much but the Idea of my body getting larger and FAT is not one of the things I want to fess up to.  
I think if I just go back to my classes and working I will keep living.  Keeping busy is going to keep me alive.  Many people say that my eating disorder is going to keep me form these things but I know I can stuff down my Eating disorder feeling and keep this from that people who can hurt me.  I just have to protect ME!!! 
My insides are spinning and twisting they do not stop moving.  I think that by keeping busy I can surpress those feelings that overwhelm me.  I know that I am strong enough to keep alive!!  
Even though my eating disorder behaviors will still be alive I will just have to keep from being "too" underweight!!
I do know how with WIN so I am throwing in the towel!!! 

The road

The Road to Recovery

When realizing I need to go down the road

I don’t see what is ahead,

I start to drive down the road blind

Not knowing what is next to come,

Blind to the fact that I would have to give up control,

The control I long to hold on

to day-by-day,

Blind to the challenges and hardships

that I would be faced with,

The things placed in front of me that I think and feel I can’t overcome.

I do not realize the people I am going to meet a long the road,

People who are both going to hold me back

but most of them help me out in ways they don’t understand.

Everyday is so very different from the day before

because that day could be wonderful the next day horrible,

I am standing at a stand still on that road not sure how to move,

Not sure what to do, of  if what I am doing is the right thing,

Not sure if I deserve what I have been given,

Not sure is I will ever find recovery I thought I was set out to find,

Not sure if I am on the right road,

Then I realize that reason to recover and how my life needs to change

The reasons that got me started on this road,

So I just keep looking around,

Reminding myself of the reasons I set out on this road,

The reasons to not make a sharp U turn

To the destructive road that I want to leave behind me.

Back from healing...

As many of you know I struggle.  I struggle to my self healthy and forget the importance of my body.  Well in February I made a decision to get help.  This is when I went inpatient for my anorexia.  I spent 46 day in the hospital.  Now I am home to continue the path to recovery.  The is a lot inside of me that says I am not ready for this.  I am not ready to face the world head.  It is to early for all of these challenges.  This can not be happening.  They offered me a chance to stay an extra week till I can start the program here at home but all I could think about was I miss NEBRASKA.  I never thought I would say that but I was saying it.  I told the team that as long as we had a good plan in place I would be just fine.  I am strong is what I tried to tell myself but i knew it was not true.  I have been acting on eating disorder behaviors since I left.  That is just not a good sign.  The reason I do not have because I do not know I am doing it at times then at other times I am doing things that I know I am doing and should stop.  I keep telling people that I am lay low right now.  The truth is I am hiding.  I am hiding from the world.  I do not want people to see the new me and not like me.  Nor do I want people to say something about the weight I have gained.  People have already done that.  It is very hard to hear some one say some thing like you look healthy.  My mind goes crazy.  Just as I am having trouble with people giving my complements it is like someone sticking knife in my side. 

While away I did journal the whole time and some of the stuff I will be posting to let you know about my time there.  It will have the date I wrote it.  I also hope to get a good picture of my art work to give you an idea that I have changed in someways but having trouble in others.     

Hate is Strong...

         This last week someone told me that she hates me and everyone else around me hates me.  OUCH!! She really does not know how bad of a word that is.  She does not know that word can destroy people.  That word can eat away the insides of a person.  Hate is a curl word to say no one has the right to say it.  No one has the right has the right to tell me that anyone else "hates" me.  Hate is a word of passion just as love is.  One can not speak words of passion for another person, words that can hurt a person. Not many people understand that you do not just throw that word around. 
           I have really been struggling since I got in a fight with the "girls" in my house.  But it was mostly two of the girls.  They say I am lying about things in my life.  I can prove all of the things that I have told them. But why do I have to prove anything to them?  They say that the things that I have told them are stories.  Well, they are not.  I know that parts of my life sound really crazy, like my grandparents have been to all 7 contents, or them being past resort owners for 30ish years.  It all sounds so weird and out there but it is true.  I have so much about my life that I can sit here a type to you and some of you know about but they will not understand.  Some parts of my life would not make sense to them, like the reason I got out of the army (my eating disorder).   Proving my life to them would be stopping down to their level.  Many people around me tell me I have been changing to impress the "girls" of my house.  I have decided that they are no longer roommates to me, nor are they women.  They are "GIRLS!"  Almost of them act as children and the one who does not act as a child is the youngest.  I feel as if I am gossiping.  Is that bad??  This is really helping me.  Thank you all. 
All of these girls are getting in to my head with the hate.  This hate is "eating" away at my recovery process.  I have really fallen back, way back.  This next week is a big week. Please keep me in your mind.  I may be going to treatment.  All because of this hate in the home!! It made me realize that if I let this get to me this much, what if something else happened?  I need to figure out my eating disorder and normalize my nutrition. 
Keep me in your prayers please. 
         

Bits and Pieeces

Roommates~
Bits and pieces is all you get.  You do not have the right to know who i really am!! You have yet to know me long enough to really know my secrets.  Why should I trust you?? Why do I need to tell you that I have an Eating Disorder??? Why do I need to tell you that I had a very hard and confusing adolescences.  What have you done in that last month to deserve my trust??
You have not sat down with me and tried to get to know me.  You have not sat down with me and given me the chance to open up.  All you have done is made me feel like I am constantly being judged.  You make me feel like I am not good enough.  Like I will never fit into this world.  I should never feel like that. No one should make me feel like that.  You talk about me behind my back.  All of you talk about me behind my about.  Why do you think I only gave you bits and pieces of my life.  Who are you to tell I am making things up?? Who are you to go looking up my life on line.  Just ASK me.  I will show you pictures!! My life is a book.  You just need to talk to me to my face!!  You need to be real with me before I am real with you.  I know you "say" you are the least judgmental people in the world, but then you are all talking about each in the most judgmental ways!! Come on really.
This all hurts me so much.  I do not know who to trust!! To do not know who to turn to! Some times I do not know what to do!! I am not sure how I am going to get through the next couple weeks/months like this.  All I need is support, not judgment. This is hard!! All so very hard for me to understand and take on at time in my life!
~Ashley