Hate is Strong...

         This last week someone told me that she hates me and everyone else around me hates me.  OUCH!! She really does not know how bad of a word that is.  She does not know that word can destroy people.  That word can eat away the insides of a person.  Hate is a curl word to say no one has the right to say it.  No one has the right has the right to tell me that anyone else "hates" me.  Hate is a word of passion just as love is.  One can not speak words of passion for another person, words that can hurt a person. Not many people understand that you do not just throw that word around. 
           I have really been struggling since I got in a fight with the "girls" in my house.  But it was mostly two of the girls.  They say I am lying about things in my life.  I can prove all of the things that I have told them. But why do I have to prove anything to them?  They say that the things that I have told them are stories.  Well, they are not.  I know that parts of my life sound really crazy, like my grandparents have been to all 7 contents, or them being past resort owners for 30ish years.  It all sounds so weird and out there but it is true.  I have so much about my life that I can sit here a type to you and some of you know about but they will not understand.  Some parts of my life would not make sense to them, like the reason I got out of the army (my eating disorder).   Proving my life to them would be stopping down to their level.  Many people around me tell me I have been changing to impress the "girls" of my house.  I have decided that they are no longer roommates to me, nor are they women.  They are "GIRLS!"  Almost of them act as children and the one who does not act as a child is the youngest.  I feel as if I am gossiping.  Is that bad??  This is really helping me.  Thank you all. 
All of these girls are getting in to my head with the hate.  This hate is "eating" away at my recovery process.  I have really fallen back, way back.  This next week is a big week. Please keep me in your mind.  I may be going to treatment.  All because of this hate in the home!! It made me realize that if I let this get to me this much, what if something else happened?  I need to figure out my eating disorder and normalize my nutrition. 
Keep me in your prayers please. 
         

Bits and Pieeces

Roommates~
Bits and pieces is all you get.  You do not have the right to know who i really am!! You have yet to know me long enough to really know my secrets.  Why should I trust you?? Why do I need to tell you that I have an Eating Disorder??? Why do I need to tell you that I had a very hard and confusing adolescences.  What have you done in that last month to deserve my trust??
You have not sat down with me and tried to get to know me.  You have not sat down with me and given me the chance to open up.  All you have done is made me feel like I am constantly being judged.  You make me feel like I am not good enough.  Like I will never fit into this world.  I should never feel like that. No one should make me feel like that.  You talk about me behind my back.  All of you talk about me behind my about.  Why do you think I only gave you bits and pieces of my life.  Who are you to tell I am making things up?? Who are you to go looking up my life on line.  Just ASK me.  I will show you pictures!! My life is a book.  You just need to talk to me to my face!!  You need to be real with me before I am real with you.  I know you "say" you are the least judgmental people in the world, but then you are all talking about each in the most judgmental ways!! Come on really.
This all hurts me so much.  I do not know who to trust!! To do not know who to turn to! Some times I do not know what to do!! I am not sure how I am going to get through the next couple weeks/months like this.  All I need is support, not judgment. This is hard!! All so very hard for me to understand and take on at time in my life!
~Ashley

Who is in control of your life??

In the last couple days I have been thinking about the changes that I need to be making in my life.  Some of these changes that I need to make are me taking control of my life.  It is the control I am going to need to stay out of IP and the control I am going to need to get through school.


AWWW!!! So I was creating this above yesterday then in my appointment with my nutritionist I said I have control of my weight.  (I do not remember how we got talking about it but that is not the point)  She went on to ask me if I had control of all of this or if my Eating Disorder and the thoughts had control of me?  WOW!! It was like she was on my computer and in my brian.  Thinking what I was trying to tell all of you not to let ED do to you.  I did not think it was in control of me nor my thoughts.  Nor the weight that I am or am not at!!! But the more I think about it the thoughts have begun to take over!! It is hard to say out loud or even type!!  Because above I was not talking about taking control of ED I was talking about people and school.  How I was studying and that kind of thing.  This all just so very hard for me.  It is like a slap in the face.   A Huge reality check.  I do not know about all of you but reality checks are hard to deal with!!! So now I am just emotional today.  I need to get a grip on it and not let it get in the way of my day!!

On a different note I did enter in a photo contest here in Lincoln.  It was hard for me to make the decision to enter in the contest.  I had a couple reasons that this desision was hard.


Please keep your Eye out for my five photos that I will be posting by Feb 22nd!! They will have a people choice award also!!! And others can vote on it on Facebook.  Please Vote for me!!! I can will it but you will have to vote before March 1st!!! I am working on everything right now!! This weekend is my weekend of ART!! I will be going to the galleries to see the things that they what us to get our inspiration from!!

My Mind is in a Pretzel!!!

Living in the short term, while planning for the long term.~ ME

It really is hard for me to live in the now.  The reason I say it is hard for me to live in the now is because of my need to control the future.  As we all know we can not control everything.  This is why my anxiety is high about so many things, when I start to think about these things that surround my future.  I have to remind myself that plans can change.  By living in the present a person, like myself, can get things done and have fun.  While living in the present that same person, like myself, just needs to keep that goal in mind for the future.

     The long term has had my mind in a pretzel!! And I can write about it but it is all so hard!! So hard to apply to my life!!  I have been told on a regular basis that I am smart, I know so much, and I could teach about the stuff that I am talking about many times.  Many times I look at that person I am talking to and tell them my rational mind knows better but the other part does not believe that TRUTH!!! It can but hard.
      Like I said my mind is in a pretzel, this means I am everywhere!!!  I say this because I going to chance the subject...
     I have writers BLOCK!!!!!!