Quitting is not an option!!

No matter how much you push me away and tell me you are fine I will make sure you are okay. It is not that I want to intrude on your life or cross any lines but I'm here for you. I do care about what is going on. I do not want to see you fall away into habits or ways of the past. You mean so much to me.

God has given us one life to live and I want you to have that one life. I want you to be able to live that one life to the fullest. Please do not give up on yourself. You are so good at helping others and giving advise to others. Please I ask you to reach inside and help yourself for all of those that you have helped.

Listen to yourself... What is your body telling you? What are the people telling you? How can those around you help? Just start to listen PlEaSe!!!

Love

yourself / friends / family

Everyone Needs to start to listen and being assertive in there lives!!! Including myself!!!! I have so much learn... I'm learning right now!!

This is a letter I wrote a year ago to someone that I truely care about.  I never sent it to them, nor did I give it to them.  But I do know some people in my life that not only need to hear but see these very true and sincere words!!! Please understand that even though a person is not next to you nor talking to you one on one does not mean they are not thinking about you.  Understand that when I meet someone, whether it be on facebook or in person, I care and you are on my prayer list.  Life is so complicated an I truely understand.  I live life everyday.  It may not be identical to all of you but I live life. 
              I was just talking with someon about how I ask some many questions in a class.  The people in the class know me as that girl who "talks" alot.  But I purely see it as a learning oppurtunity, a chance to grow.  If I just sat there and did not ask anything now say anything I would not know any more than what the book is saying.  I want to hear what the rest of the class has to say and my professor has to say about sociology.  This is me living my life.  Learning every time I get a chance.  Trust me if you do not ask you will never know. Not knowing some times can lead to extreamly hurtful and harmful situations. 
             Ask is you need help, ask if you need to talk, or just TALK if you want to talk!!! There is nothing wrong in finding out an anwser to anything.  This can save your life or someone you know.   

Please Hear What I'm Not Saying

Please Hear What I do Don't Say!!!


Don't be fooled by me. Don't be fooled by the masks I wear,

For I wear a mask, I wear a thousand masks, masks that I am afraid to take off,

But none of them are me, pretending is an art that is second nature to me,

But don't be fooled, for God sake, don't be fooled.

What you see on the surface is not always what is inside,
What I hold on the outside is not on my inside, 
Don't be fooled by the face I can hold in front of you at times, 
I give you the impression that I am secure, 

That all is sunny and unruffled with me, within as well as without,

That confidence is my name and coolness is my game,

That the water is calm and I am in command, and that I need no one.

Please don't believe me, Please!

My surface may be smooth but my surface but my surface is my mask,

My varying and ever concealing mask.

Beneath lies no smugness, no complacence,

Beneath dwells the real me,

In confusion and fear, in loneliness.

I idly chatter with you in the suave tones of surface talk, 

I tell you everything that's really nothing, of what is crying within me.

So when I am going through my routine,

Please don't be fooled by what I'm not saying, 

And what I'd like to be able say, what for recovery I need to say.

But what I can't say.

Only you can call me into aliveness,

Each time you're kind and gentle, and encouraging.

My heart begins to grow wings,

Very small wings, very feeble wings but wings.

With your sensitivity and sympathy, and your power of understanding,

You can breathe life into me, I want you to know that.

I want you to know how important you are to me, 

How you can be a creator of the person that is me if you choose to.

Please choose me.  Do not pass me by. It will not be easy for you.

My long conviction of worthlessness builds strong walls.

The nearer you approach to me, the blinder I may striker back.

I fight against the very thing I cry out for.

But I am told that love is stronger than wall.

In this lies my hope. My only hope.

Please don't believe my mask.

Please come behind it to glimpse the real me.

Please speak to me, share a little of yourself with me,

At least recognize me.  Don't pass me by because of my mask,
Recognize me, help me recover, 
Please, because you care. 

Love of our LIFE!!!

For so long I have had a love of many things. A love for running, gymnastics, singing, photography, and dance.  I have had a passion for these things because these are things I can do I.  Things I have achieved something in.  But that is just what they are things.  The people are around me get put pushed off to the back of my life.  
 I try so hard to achieve the best, the hight awards in every area of my life but then turn my back and forget what I am doing it for.  I do not think that I need to play a balancing act with all parts of my life not just when I'm standing on one leg stretching to run.  I do not thing of my health or my friends because I just want to do want I want.  Like a little kid.  I am no longer a little kid needing to focus on her self 100% of the time.  I have to see the bigger picture.  
You see before I put on the blinders I had a life full of LIFE!!! I could talk to people with no anxiety, no hesitation.  I was out going and did not care half as much what was going on around me at all times.  Now I am the complete opposite and I hate that.  I feel like a people pleaser.  I need to stop.  I have stopped doing the things I love.  My photography, and singing.  
My goal is to get out and take some pictures this next week and edit them.  So in a week I will have them for you to see.  I hope you will enjoy them.  They may be random but it may help me.

All Access Pass!!!

Many years ago I went on a trip with a group to Winter Park, CO. The pastor spoke about giving three people in our lives all access passes to our life. This pass would let whom has it permission to help us when ever they see a need for it. They also are people in our life who we can talk to, people who know all parts of our life not just 1/2 of 3/4th of our life.

I have yet to give one person in my life an all access pass to my life. By giving someone this pass it means I would be telling them I trust them on a deep level. I would be trusting them with more then my burdens and my thoughts but to interject in my life if they see something that needs help.

Personally I know there are people in my life that I tell parts of my life and I do not tell parts of my life. So much of me has been a closed book even though I am talking all the time. I think I talk so much because I do not want people to see a real side of me!!! A side that cares too much at times. When I started this blog I wanted to get I out there. I was going to tell others that I started it and put it places. But I have been at a standstill with the idea of that. It scares me that if I give a Partial access pass to more people in my life then I will be held accountable for what I do. I am also scared that if more people read my thoughts I would be pressured to say the right thing.

The Truths that we MAKE!!

"That in the beginning when the world was young there were a great many thoughts but no such thing as a truth. Man made the truths himself and each truth was a composite of a great many vague thoughts. All about in the world were the truths and they were all beautiful."--Sherwood Anderson

Just stop and think about this the truths we create. What about the truth you have created for your self or for/about others? I was thinking after reading this for a class this week that I want to keep all truths beautiful. Later in the book Anderson goes on to explain that it was the truths that makes people grotesque and not the truths them self.

In the past I know that I have held many truths to be "grotesque" and I want that to change. I want beauty in my truth. I hold my self accountable for all of my actions and I feel that at times I want too much of my self causing a unhappy and unsatisfying truth of me. What am I going to change? My expectations for me!!! Things do not change quick and I will try!!

I am NOW a HUSKER!!!

On the first day of starting this blog is posted a video clip about finding me... Now I am on an adventure of a life time!!! I started my first day at the University of Nebraska. I really was scared the last week coming to get my books thinking if I could really do this. If Icould make it to my first class. InOctober when I stared this blog I had big dreams about finding me I was just not sure what they where. But weeks after that they began to pan out and coming here was one of them. Many of my friends keep reminding me that it is so much bigger here then the school that I have gone to. All I have to say isBRING IT ON!!!! What many do not know is all of the challenges I have gone through the last 10 years of my life. At times I say I'm going to prove you wrong, but then a voice in my head says do this for you and prove to your self you can do it!

Many just do not understand the strength it takes to struggle and recover. They also do not understand the mental strength it takes to keep something like this a secret. Yes I said it a secret I do not want the people at my new college to find out about my eating disorder. That is why I have deleted my Youtube account. I am doing a blog because it is harder to find

a blog

. I do not want this to hold me back. I don't want you to think that I am not getting any help tho. Since my school is a Division 1 school they have a eating disorder treatment team in the health center. I meet with them tomorrow. I'm so scared. My therapist though is from the outside. I refuse to stop seeing her. She was trained by them!! HAHAHA

I hope every one is doing well and will try to keep people updated!!! Better then the fall!!

I have included pictures from my graduation and when my family came home for that!!