When I mess-up

When I do something wrong I am not really sure who I turn to.  I am scared to tell my friends that I am having some problems with this and that.  For so many reasons.  One I am scared of the looks and the disappointment I will cause them.  Second I do not know if we will argue.  I have such a problem with getting defensive with the ones I care about that I do not give them a chance.  I am working on this.  Third I will let them down.  I have already let the ones close to me down so many times they do not need it again.    I feel even if I have just the smallest thing I need to talk about these things will happen.  I also feel they will start the close eye watching again.  I just started to get away from that.

So you may ask why don't I tell my treatment team.  They are here to help and treat me right???  I just don't know... You I was going to try to open up here where most of you do not know me but I can not do it!! Sorry!!

The Climb over the Wall

Lately I have been struggling with where I am at in my recovery. I feel as if I have hit a wall. This wall is keeping me from moving forward to places I need to be. I am not sure if I the only one who understands what it feels like to hit this wall. The place that you want to run backwards because you are having problems running forward. I have been realizing that treatment gets harder the more you work at it. I have a problem trying for things that are hard and wanting them to be easy. The more you fight with the eating disorder it fights back. Some people think that going into treatment is going to be a piece of cake and one is going to speed down the road without any bumps, that is where many people have a problems. I knew it was not going to be easy but I made the mistake of thinking it would not take as long as it is. I am going be battling this for a while. I have been tempted many time to quit at my low points just because I am not seeing any progress. I have to keep going with the flow and not give up. By going with the flow at the low times I am not giving up I am just reinserting myself into the process of recovery and starting the fire under my butt for motivation. That is what you have to remember through out treatment is what motivates you to change!! I must look at them all the time so I keep going and don't go AMA!! Please understand that you still struggle in treatment. Have problems seeing the light at the end of the tunnel and that you must keep an eye on that light you at looking at so it and you do not die!! I do not want to die!! At this time I am fighting my thoughts to stay but then I have awesome people who remind me who have seem how far down the recovery road I have came and the I do not want to turn around!! I am not only writing this to ask if anyone agrees or has felt this but by writing this it reminds me to go with the flow for now until I am able to break down that wall I want to get through and is holding me back.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When I went to Sheppard Pratt I knew that treatment would not be easy.  I just did not know how hard it would be.  Just in inpatient alone I wanted to give up because I could not see any growth.  When I was there I looked at signing a 72hr (AMA) form a couple different times.  If I was not so far away from home at that time I would have signed them.  But I have to point out that when I got there I was full of motivation that motivation that I did not want to lose. I was challenged to make a list of things that motivate me to change, this is the list. 

My Motivation to Recover/Get healthy-

1. Go to school (UNL) and graduate with my undergrad.

         *if I do not recover and just live with this my ED. I will not be able to remember things I learn and need to remember.

2. Have a healthy relationship with it leading up to a marriage.

         *At times my Ed can get in the way of relationships because of my rules about going out.  Actually most all of my rules get in the way of ALL relationships.

           *I get "feisty" when talking about my ED with others, so I hold in Secrets.

3.I want to be able to help out and hang out without food or my eating disorder habits interfering.

4. Have kids--

          *This requires that my body be healthy enough to hold another human. Also need to be able to feed it for to.

5. I WANT TO LIVE LONG!!

       *everyday that I do not eat or everyday I exercise hours on end, I am taking years off my life.  I may claim that I am unstoppable/invincible, but the truth is is am not. I CAN'T KEEP DOING THIS!!

Now that I have this list I look at it when I am in a ditch and can not seem to climb my way out. Not many understand the impact a list like this has but it does.  I am not sure if I would need to look at this for the rest of my life but it is here in case I need it. My life is going to change but for now I am going to go with the flow of things until I can break through this wall.

The Loss to my Eating Disorder

I am trying to come to terms with the fact that I have lost the losing battle.  The battle to my eating disorder. How do I show people that I am not a fighter anymore?  Why do keep fooling myself into thinking I am going to get over something that has been part of my life for so many years?  I now need to find away to not DIE to this.  I just can not keep bringing the people around me down all the time.  I am sick of hurting people because of this.  I keep fighting inside with the thought that I want my mind to change so much but the Idea of my body getting larger and FAT is not one of the things I want to fess up to.  
I think if I just go back to my classes and working I will keep living.  Keeping busy is going to keep me alive.  Many people say that my eating disorder is going to keep me form these things but I know I can stuff down my Eating disorder feeling and keep this from that people who can hurt me.  I just have to protect ME!!! 
My insides are spinning and twisting they do not stop moving.  I think that by keeping busy I can surpress those feelings that overwhelm me.  I know that I am strong enough to keep alive!!  
Even though my eating disorder behaviors will still be alive I will just have to keep from being "too" underweight!!
I do know how with WIN so I am throwing in the towel!!! 

The road

The Road to Recovery

When realizing I need to go down the road

I don’t see what is ahead,

I start to drive down the road blind

Not knowing what is next to come,

Blind to the fact that I would have to give up control,

The control I long to hold on

to day-by-day,

Blind to the challenges and hardships

that I would be faced with,

The things placed in front of me that I think and feel I can’t overcome.

I do not realize the people I am going to meet a long the road,

People who are both going to hold me back

but most of them help me out in ways they don’t understand.

Everyday is so very different from the day before

because that day could be wonderful the next day horrible,

I am standing at a stand still on that road not sure how to move,

Not sure what to do, of  if what I am doing is the right thing,

Not sure if I deserve what I have been given,

Not sure is I will ever find recovery I thought I was set out to find,

Not sure if I am on the right road,

Then I realize that reason to recover and how my life needs to change

The reasons that got me started on this road,

So I just keep looking around,

Reminding myself of the reasons I set out on this road,

The reasons to not make a sharp U turn

To the destructive road that I want to leave behind me.

Back from healing...

As many of you know I struggle.  I struggle to my self healthy and forget the importance of my body.  Well in February I made a decision to get help.  This is when I went inpatient for my anorexia.  I spent 46 day in the hospital.  Now I am home to continue the path to recovery.  The is a lot inside of me that says I am not ready for this.  I am not ready to face the world head.  It is to early for all of these challenges.  This can not be happening.  They offered me a chance to stay an extra week till I can start the program here at home but all I could think about was I miss NEBRASKA.  I never thought I would say that but I was saying it.  I told the team that as long as we had a good plan in place I would be just fine.  I am strong is what I tried to tell myself but i knew it was not true.  I have been acting on eating disorder behaviors since I left.  That is just not a good sign.  The reason I do not have because I do not know I am doing it at times then at other times I am doing things that I know I am doing and should stop.  I keep telling people that I am lay low right now.  The truth is I am hiding.  I am hiding from the world.  I do not want people to see the new me and not like me.  Nor do I want people to say something about the weight I have gained.  People have already done that.  It is very hard to hear some one say some thing like you look healthy.  My mind goes crazy.  Just as I am having trouble with people giving my complements it is like someone sticking knife in my side. 

While away I did journal the whole time and some of the stuff I will be posting to let you know about my time there.  It will have the date I wrote it.  I also hope to get a good picture of my art work to give you an idea that I have changed in someways but having trouble in others.     

Hate is Strong...

         This last week someone told me that she hates me and everyone else around me hates me.  OUCH!! She really does not know how bad of a word that is.  She does not know that word can destroy people.  That word can eat away the insides of a person.  Hate is a curl word to say no one has the right to say it.  No one has the right has the right to tell me that anyone else "hates" me.  Hate is a word of passion just as love is.  One can not speak words of passion for another person, words that can hurt a person. Not many people understand that you do not just throw that word around. 
           I have really been struggling since I got in a fight with the "girls" in my house.  But it was mostly two of the girls.  They say I am lying about things in my life.  I can prove all of the things that I have told them. But why do I have to prove anything to them?  They say that the things that I have told them are stories.  Well, they are not.  I know that parts of my life sound really crazy, like my grandparents have been to all 7 contents, or them being past resort owners for 30ish years.  It all sounds so weird and out there but it is true.  I have so much about my life that I can sit here a type to you and some of you know about but they will not understand.  Some parts of my life would not make sense to them, like the reason I got out of the army (my eating disorder).   Proving my life to them would be stopping down to their level.  Many people around me tell me I have been changing to impress the "girls" of my house.  I have decided that they are no longer roommates to me, nor are they women.  They are "GIRLS!"  Almost of them act as children and the one who does not act as a child is the youngest.  I feel as if I am gossiping.  Is that bad??  This is really helping me.  Thank you all. 
All of these girls are getting in to my head with the hate.  This hate is "eating" away at my recovery process.  I have really fallen back, way back.  This next week is a big week. Please keep me in your mind.  I may be going to treatment.  All because of this hate in the home!! It made me realize that if I let this get to me this much, what if something else happened?  I need to figure out my eating disorder and normalize my nutrition. 
Keep me in your prayers please. 
         

Bits and Pieeces

Roommates~
Bits and pieces is all you get.  You do not have the right to know who i really am!! You have yet to know me long enough to really know my secrets.  Why should I trust you?? Why do I need to tell you that I have an Eating Disorder??? Why do I need to tell you that I had a very hard and confusing adolescences.  What have you done in that last month to deserve my trust??
You have not sat down with me and tried to get to know me.  You have not sat down with me and given me the chance to open up.  All you have done is made me feel like I am constantly being judged.  You make me feel like I am not good enough.  Like I will never fit into this world.  I should never feel like that. No one should make me feel like that.  You talk about me behind my back.  All of you talk about me behind my about.  Why do you think I only gave you bits and pieces of my life.  Who are you to tell I am making things up?? Who are you to go looking up my life on line.  Just ASK me.  I will show you pictures!! My life is a book.  You just need to talk to me to my face!!  You need to be real with me before I am real with you.  I know you "say" you are the least judgmental people in the world, but then you are all talking about each in the most judgmental ways!! Come on really.
This all hurts me so much.  I do not know who to trust!! To do not know who to turn to! Some times I do not know what to do!! I am not sure how I am going to get through the next couple weeks/months like this.  All I need is support, not judgment. This is hard!! All so very hard for me to understand and take on at time in my life!
~Ashley

Who is in control of your life??

In the last couple days I have been thinking about the changes that I need to be making in my life.  Some of these changes that I need to make are me taking control of my life.  It is the control I am going to need to stay out of IP and the control I am going to need to get through school.


AWWW!!! So I was creating this above yesterday then in my appointment with my nutritionist I said I have control of my weight.  (I do not remember how we got talking about it but that is not the point)  She went on to ask me if I had control of all of this or if my Eating Disorder and the thoughts had control of me?  WOW!! It was like she was on my computer and in my brian.  Thinking what I was trying to tell all of you not to let ED do to you.  I did not think it was in control of me nor my thoughts.  Nor the weight that I am or am not at!!! But the more I think about it the thoughts have begun to take over!! It is hard to say out loud or even type!!  Because above I was not talking about taking control of ED I was talking about people and school.  How I was studying and that kind of thing.  This all just so very hard for me.  It is like a slap in the face.   A Huge reality check.  I do not know about all of you but reality checks are hard to deal with!!! So now I am just emotional today.  I need to get a grip on it and not let it get in the way of my day!!

On a different note I did enter in a photo contest here in Lincoln.  It was hard for me to make the decision to enter in the contest.  I had a couple reasons that this desision was hard.


Please keep your Eye out for my five photos that I will be posting by Feb 22nd!! They will have a people choice award also!!! And others can vote on it on Facebook.  Please Vote for me!!! I can will it but you will have to vote before March 1st!!! I am working on everything right now!! This weekend is my weekend of ART!! I will be going to the galleries to see the things that they what us to get our inspiration from!!

My Mind is in a Pretzel!!!

Living in the short term, while planning for the long term.~ ME

It really is hard for me to live in the now.  The reason I say it is hard for me to live in the now is because of my need to control the future.  As we all know we can not control everything.  This is why my anxiety is high about so many things, when I start to think about these things that surround my future.  I have to remind myself that plans can change.  By living in the present a person, like myself, can get things done and have fun.  While living in the present that same person, like myself, just needs to keep that goal in mind for the future.

     The long term has had my mind in a pretzel!! And I can write about it but it is all so hard!! So hard to apply to my life!!  I have been told on a regular basis that I am smart, I know so much, and I could teach about the stuff that I am talking about many times.  Many times I look at that person I am talking to and tell them my rational mind knows better but the other part does not believe that TRUTH!!! It can but hard.
      Like I said my mind is in a pretzel, this means I am everywhere!!!  I say this because I going to chance the subject...
     I have writers BLOCK!!!!!!
    

  

Quitting is not an option!!

No matter how much you push me away and tell me you are fine I will make sure you are okay. It is not that I want to intrude on your life or cross any lines but I'm here for you. I do care about what is going on. I do not want to see you fall away into habits or ways of the past. You mean so much to me.

God has given us one life to live and I want you to have that one life. I want you to be able to live that one life to the fullest. Please do not give up on yourself. You are so good at helping others and giving advise to others. Please I ask you to reach inside and help yourself for all of those that you have helped.

Listen to yourself... What is your body telling you? What are the people telling you? How can those around you help? Just start to listen PlEaSe!!!

Love

yourself / friends / family

Everyone Needs to start to listen and being assertive in there lives!!! Including myself!!!! I have so much learn... I'm learning right now!!

This is a letter I wrote a year ago to someone that I truely care about.  I never sent it to them, nor did I give it to them.  But I do know some people in my life that not only need to hear but see these very true and sincere words!!! Please understand that even though a person is not next to you nor talking to you one on one does not mean they are not thinking about you.  Understand that when I meet someone, whether it be on facebook or in person, I care and you are on my prayer list.  Life is so complicated an I truely understand.  I live life everyday.  It may not be identical to all of you but I live life. 
              I was just talking with someon about how I ask some many questions in a class.  The people in the class know me as that girl who "talks" alot.  But I purely see it as a learning oppurtunity, a chance to grow.  If I just sat there and did not ask anything now say anything I would not know any more than what the book is saying.  I want to hear what the rest of the class has to say and my professor has to say about sociology.  This is me living my life.  Learning every time I get a chance.  Trust me if you do not ask you will never know. Not knowing some times can lead to extreamly hurtful and harmful situations. 
             Ask is you need help, ask if you need to talk, or just TALK if you want to talk!!! There is nothing wrong in finding out an anwser to anything.  This can save your life or someone you know.   

Please Hear What I'm Not Saying

Please Hear What I do Don't Say!!!


Don't be fooled by me. Don't be fooled by the masks I wear,

For I wear a mask, I wear a thousand masks, masks that I am afraid to take off,

But none of them are me, pretending is an art that is second nature to me,

But don't be fooled, for God sake, don't be fooled.

What you see on the surface is not always what is inside,
What I hold on the outside is not on my inside, 
Don't be fooled by the face I can hold in front of you at times, 
I give you the impression that I am secure, 

That all is sunny and unruffled with me, within as well as without,

That confidence is my name and coolness is my game,

That the water is calm and I am in command, and that I need no one.

Please don't believe me, Please!

My surface may be smooth but my surface but my surface is my mask,

My varying and ever concealing mask.

Beneath lies no smugness, no complacence,

Beneath dwells the real me,

In confusion and fear, in loneliness.

I idly chatter with you in the suave tones of surface talk, 

I tell you everything that's really nothing, of what is crying within me.

So when I am going through my routine,

Please don't be fooled by what I'm not saying, 

And what I'd like to be able say, what for recovery I need to say.

But what I can't say.

Only you can call me into aliveness,

Each time you're kind and gentle, and encouraging.

My heart begins to grow wings,

Very small wings, very feeble wings but wings.

With your sensitivity and sympathy, and your power of understanding,

You can breathe life into me, I want you to know that.

I want you to know how important you are to me, 

How you can be a creator of the person that is me if you choose to.

Please choose me.  Do not pass me by. It will not be easy for you.

My long conviction of worthlessness builds strong walls.

The nearer you approach to me, the blinder I may striker back.

I fight against the very thing I cry out for.

But I am told that love is stronger than wall.

In this lies my hope. My only hope.

Please don't believe my mask.

Please come behind it to glimpse the real me.

Please speak to me, share a little of yourself with me,

At least recognize me.  Don't pass me by because of my mask,
Recognize me, help me recover, 
Please, because you care. 

Love of our LIFE!!!

For so long I have had a love of many things. A love for running, gymnastics, singing, photography, and dance.  I have had a passion for these things because these are things I can do I.  Things I have achieved something in.  But that is just what they are things.  The people are around me get put pushed off to the back of my life.  
 I try so hard to achieve the best, the hight awards in every area of my life but then turn my back and forget what I am doing it for.  I do not think that I need to play a balancing act with all parts of my life not just when I'm standing on one leg stretching to run.  I do not thing of my health or my friends because I just want to do want I want.  Like a little kid.  I am no longer a little kid needing to focus on her self 100% of the time.  I have to see the bigger picture.  
You see before I put on the blinders I had a life full of LIFE!!! I could talk to people with no anxiety, no hesitation.  I was out going and did not care half as much what was going on around me at all times.  Now I am the complete opposite and I hate that.  I feel like a people pleaser.  I need to stop.  I have stopped doing the things I love.  My photography, and singing.  
My goal is to get out and take some pictures this next week and edit them.  So in a week I will have them for you to see.  I hope you will enjoy them.  They may be random but it may help me.

All Access Pass!!!

Many years ago I went on a trip with a group to Winter Park, CO. The pastor spoke about giving three people in our lives all access passes to our life. This pass would let whom has it permission to help us when ever they see a need for it. They also are people in our life who we can talk to, people who know all parts of our life not just 1/2 of 3/4th of our life.

I have yet to give one person in my life an all access pass to my life. By giving someone this pass it means I would be telling them I trust them on a deep level. I would be trusting them with more then my burdens and my thoughts but to interject in my life if they see something that needs help.

Personally I know there are people in my life that I tell parts of my life and I do not tell parts of my life. So much of me has been a closed book even though I am talking all the time. I think I talk so much because I do not want people to see a real side of me!!! A side that cares too much at times. When I started this blog I wanted to get I out there. I was going to tell others that I started it and put it places. But I have been at a standstill with the idea of that. It scares me that if I give a Partial access pass to more people in my life then I will be held accountable for what I do. I am also scared that if more people read my thoughts I would be pressured to say the right thing.

The Truths that we MAKE!!

"That in the beginning when the world was young there were a great many thoughts but no such thing as a truth. Man made the truths himself and each truth was a composite of a great many vague thoughts. All about in the world were the truths and they were all beautiful."--Sherwood Anderson

Just stop and think about this the truths we create. What about the truth you have created for your self or for/about others? I was thinking after reading this for a class this week that I want to keep all truths beautiful. Later in the book Anderson goes on to explain that it was the truths that makes people grotesque and not the truths them self.

In the past I know that I have held many truths to be "grotesque" and I want that to change. I want beauty in my truth. I hold my self accountable for all of my actions and I feel that at times I want too much of my self causing a unhappy and unsatisfying truth of me. What am I going to change? My expectations for me!!! Things do not change quick and I will try!!

I am NOW a HUSKER!!!

On the first day of starting this blog is posted a video clip about finding me... Now I am on an adventure of a life time!!! I started my first day at the University of Nebraska. I really was scared the last week coming to get my books thinking if I could really do this. If Icould make it to my first class. InOctober when I stared this blog I had big dreams about finding me I was just not sure what they where. But weeks after that they began to pan out and coming here was one of them. Many of my friends keep reminding me that it is so much bigger here then the school that I have gone to. All I have to say isBRING IT ON!!!! What many do not know is all of the challenges I have gone through the last 10 years of my life. At times I say I'm going to prove you wrong, but then a voice in my head says do this for you and prove to your self you can do it!

Many just do not understand the strength it takes to struggle and recover. They also do not understand the mental strength it takes to keep something like this a secret. Yes I said it a secret I do not want the people at my new college to find out about my eating disorder. That is why I have deleted my Youtube account. I am doing a blog because it is harder to find

a blog

. I do not want this to hold me back. I don't want you to think that I am not getting any help tho. Since my school is a Division 1 school they have a eating disorder treatment team in the health center. I meet with them tomorrow. I'm so scared. My therapist though is from the outside. I refuse to stop seeing her. She was trained by them!! HAHAHA

I hope every one is doing well and will try to keep people updated!!! Better then the fall!!

I have included pictures from my graduation and when my family came home for that!!